I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW (rap) 4-28-11

4/28/11

I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW rap

I honestly don't know
which is worse y'all--
the bitchy grandiose fag
with the Hitler complex sermanizing
or the lazy ghetto-assed nigga
with the gimme gimme gimme
gimme gimme gimme gimme 'izing

Oh phashaw oh phashaw is me
I wanna elevate, recreate, syncopate and gravitate
to love, sweet love...but why can't I forget
that reject violent vile word--keeps poppin into my
poor old, poor 56-year old head
mind---24 hours a day--365 days a year...
part fear, part celebration, part do ya dare to hear
what I say...do we dare to feel
all the feelings
this moment holds
as we roll
our eyes
and despise and go on our way
with our tender secret sweet dirty lies

If only I could sterilize
it away
but I've seen so much
of the bad men can do
All I know is
some children are born
from love to give life
and children are the
way to see light
and feel right
because they shine
like tiny stars
all day and night

Oh yeah Oh yeah...
the tender warmth of the warm spring day
when I see the frail two tender old ladies
small as children holding hands
and floating past me
in Westchester Square
It so tears me

It's a Bronx myth
I feel such confusion
when I see the hardness of the human heart
and the contusion
of feelings
that start with the babies and end with the squirrels
and the seagulls and the sparrows
(I won't say girls 'cause of them I'm afraid
with their vile violence all unfurled
riding the trains and screamin'
clutching their privates and fartin
oye--no--send me on my way aWAY
from those little trashy ho's
come what may!)

When I exit and walk down
from the hate train
and begin to feel alive again
(first recovering the numb
from all from all the man stain
and all the men I've had and done)

holding onto to what love particles that I-they-we-can grasp onto
and all the passing lives that we will pass into
and be born again anew
whew I say AH-CHOO...

I wish so I could have held onto
my Mama's hand today
Long enough, and relaxed enough
to say hey
Can you dig the color of those tulips?
 I've never seen
such tints of pink and yellow together
and did you ever taste
a sweet mint julip?
that color is obscenely beautiful
(she would never say that-blushing blushing)
and this weather...what a day to go sailing
or for a walk in the park...
can we just be
Glowing together in this human existence
'cause it's so damn dark
and I just need to feel ya
Can we just feel
a peace for a moment
for a moment-the pure unadulterated spark
that gave us life--this peace, this golden candle
so gently glowing and not blowin' against the dark?  
Can we just be showing
and funny and laughing and smiling
with the gloman
and with the love of our generations
come down to shine and
evolve so fine
I forgive you for the pain
I carry around in my heart
for the pain
that will kill me early surely

but it's okay
because I think
I finally got a vibe on the part
I was supposed to play
and it's me.
freely authentic and not quite so
not enough for the therapist's couch
not enough for the gay muscle queens who
slouch and dictate what feelings should be
shudder and reek of fear and
damned loathing

I need to wear a silver gold coating
of fine chain mail to protect myself
from the cold calculations
of the she male, he male
mailman who never delivers
on certain days
when he feels a yen
to fly like a wren
all over the streets
of 6th and A
where I have lived so long
and I'm now fading away

I need to give time
to volunteer
to offer some of my karma
to the old and the queer and the dear and the near
and the far
and the shining Shiva star
and the Buddha Christ
with the purple rice
and cuts down cholesterol so it is said
who truly knows the truth nowadays?
I honestly don't know--
I'm confused and tired
and ready for bed.